Dear fellow conspirators,

First off, let me say congratulations on surmounting the incredible organizational tasks associated with a global conspiracy.  Secondly, let me publicly congratulate Janice Henderson on her promotion to Co-Conspirator first class. Too bad it was after our trust retreat in the Catskills last month, otherwise we could have had a cake party!  Although, it’s probably for the best, the conspiracy-wide beach weekend is coming up soon and we all want to look our best.

Anyway, enough digression. The most important part of our conspiracy is, of course, remaining hidden from all those who are not part of the conspiracy. Perfect secrecy, as we covered in our “World Domination and You” refresher course, is too difficult to achieve, so we focus instead on strategic secrecy. We’ll reveal ourselves to those elements of society who have little to no creedence throughout the rest of society. No matter how loudly they claim we exist, the upper crust of society, those in charge, will only take it as proof that we do not exist.

This leads to some much needed recognition for Bob Pinchoff, who, as most of you know, heads up the negative stereotyping division of our media wing.  It is through Bob’s constant work and near boundless creativity that we have managed to paint hillbillies, rednecks, and ninety percent of gun owners as ignorant and racist.  Without Bob’s considerable talents it’s unlikely that we would be two years ahead of schedule on our ten year plan.  I mention Bob because, in Phase Three of our conspiracy for global domination, he’ll be heading up the entire media division.  Randy Hochgericht, current head of the media division, will be transitioning out of day-to-day involvement in order to spend more time with his grandkids.  Randy’s a great guy, and his grandkids are just adorable, so I’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing him the best of luck.

I keep getting off track because of all these congratulations, you folks are just doing too much good work!  This next bit is just a reminder: please keep your cyanide capsules up to date.  They’re good for three months, so don’t forget to pick some up on your next trip to your local conspiracy-run commissary.  We don’t want anyone looking foolish — being captured and tortured just because you let your cyanide capsules expire!

Warmest regards,
Billy Turklehing